An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain , B.C. and talks with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher: ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’

The old rancher says: ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The RCMP officer verbally explodes sayin`: ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.’ Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge . The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

‘See this badge ? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?’

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…

‘Your badge ! Show him your fucking badge !’

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ‘ Licence and registration, please.’

London Lawyer says, ‘What for?’

Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’

London Lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’

Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.’

London Lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’

Glasgow cop says, ‘The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!’

London Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’

Glasgow cop says, ‘Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.’

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,’Now dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon, ya smarmy bast*rd?’…

Two men were driving through Saskatchewan when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

‘What the hell was that for?’ The driver asked.

‘You’re in Saskatchewan son,’the cop answered. ‘When we pull you over in Saskatchewan , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.’

‘I’m sorry officer,’ the driver said, ‘I’m not from around here.’

The cop runs a check on the guy’s license–he’s clean, and gives the guy his license back. The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

‘What’d you do that for?’ The passenger demands.

‘Just making your wish come true,’ replied the cop.

‘Making WHAT wish come true?’ The passenger asked.

‘Because I know your type,’ the cop says, ‘two miles down the road, you’re gonna turn to your buddy and say, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!”

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age .

Always Turn On Your Emergency Flashers

A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the Road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman calmly.
“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the damn road?!” asks the Officer.
“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replied.

Hey Lady Nice T-Shirt

A Blonde goes over to her friend’s house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.

“Why are you wearing a Thank God it’s Friday Tee-shirt on Monday?”

“Oh crap!” the blonde says, “I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.”