The recession has hit everybody really hard…

My Neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

A Ukrainian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler’s trainer came to him and said,
“Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Ukie. He’s never lost a match, because of this pretzel hold he has. So, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!! If he does, you’re finished !!”

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment……..

As the match started, the Newfie and the Ukrainian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Ukie lunged forward,……… grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn’t bare to watch the inevitable happen…..

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Ukrainian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded !!……….

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked:
“How the hell did you ever get out of that hold?? No one has ever done it before!!….”

The wrestler answered:
“Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold
but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles, right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could !!”

The trainer exclaimed:
“So, THAT’S what finished him off !!….”
“Not really”…………. replied the Newfie……
“You’d be amazed how strong you get, when you bite your own nuts !!”…

NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Sh|t for Brains.

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father..’

The little boy replied, ‘My Dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

Confucius say,

“If you are in a book store and cannot find

The book for which you search, you are obviously

In the