A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.
“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied “Oh, Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.’
He addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’
Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, ‘Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn’t it?’
And thus began Walter’s life of celibacy!
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God, I hope not, or this will be a really longggggg marriage….
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It’s too late - 15 times
I’m too tired - 42 times
It’s too early - 12 times
It’s too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
——————————————————————————–
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”
Love, Your Wife
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