It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 am, on the first hole of a very nice course. I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker, ‘Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!’

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption

Again the announcement, ‘Would the man on the woman’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.’

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled, ‘Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee PLEASE!’

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back …..

‘Would the asshole with the microphone please be quiet and let me play my second shot.’

Joe was teeing off from the men’s’ tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Wendy, was teeing up on the woman’s tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Joe got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy: “Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head,” the coroner said. “You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?”

“Yes, sir, that’s correct,” Joe said.

“Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt,” the coroner said.

“Was it a Titleist 3?” Joe asked.

“Yes, it was,” the coroner replied.

“That was my mulligan.”

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration..

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So, I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee … And this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green … And I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … And it hits this bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile..

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, “Sure” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.” The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another  eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’ Malley.”

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, “what the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Good lord!” his companion exlaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”