May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

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A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American .

He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York..

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ‘40 cents per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve traveled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son - it’s a local call’.

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A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian, EH ??!!

 

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Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said ‘Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.’

St. Peter said, ‘Noooooo,’ and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said ‘Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.’ St. Peter said, ‘Noooooo,’ and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, ‘So, tell me.’

She said, ‘Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder… ‘

St. Peter said, ‘Verrrrrry good.’

Then the blonde continued, ‘Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey.’

St. Peter fainted.”

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I’m off to London and Paris for two weeks so I thought this was fitting as I just went through the process of getting my passport.
——————————————————–

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

SH|T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*ckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals *ssholes workin’ there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh|t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f*ckn’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the f*ckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some *sshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! (f*ckin’ morons)

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate f*cking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f*cking CHINA !!!

Hamilton, Ontario Canada

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