Sometime this year we taxpayers may receive an Economic Stimulus payment.

This is a very exciting new program, the explanation is via the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , China Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada )

************
I’m going to go to a ball game, with a tattooed prostitute, that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer.

A young, good-looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked
to speak to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she
and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then
asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy reluctantly agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me forit.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she
returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can
do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month
living expenses!

1. A day without sunshine is night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13…. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

23. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Fred, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Fred and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Fred snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Fred shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn’t sleep. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Jim’s turn. Jim was a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Fred into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Fred sat up and watched me all night.”