The Jamaican answer to the most recent increase in gas prices

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NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you “got the last one.”

2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say “You never can be too careful.”

3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.

4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone’s screen saver.

5. Go into someone’s office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.

6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.

7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes “make it more aerodynamic”.

8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.

9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to change the channel on people’s computers. When it doesn’t work, mumble something about “cheap Japanese crap”.

10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.

11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands.

12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.

13. Walk into people’s offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying “No sign of him yet, Chief”.

14. When the phone rings, answer by saying “KBBL, you’re on the air”.

15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.

16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people’s desk drawers. Ask them if they’ve seen your pills.

17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.

18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows.

19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads “NO COVER!” Announce loudly that it’s happy hour.

20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.

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As five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, ‘Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!’

I took a deep breath, then asked…’What did you call it?’

‘It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!’

And so it does…

‘ A f r i c a n Elephant ‘

Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?

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