A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, ‘What a peaceful & loving couple’

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: ‘Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,’ explained the man.

‘We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?’

She looked at ME, and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

And from that moment….. we have lived happily ever after.’

A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
“God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye
grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it
just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
“God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
“God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

( YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Here’s your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr
old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, ‘He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……..spank him again!’

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. “Wit all dem lawsuits Going on I’m feelin’ kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat Action? I hears that people are suing the cigarette companies ’cause they Got cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff”!! His lawyer asks “And which one of those categories do You fit under?” The dear ole Newfie God bless his soul
Answers. Neider b’y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson’s for all them ugly women I woke up wit…