You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one…

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the
platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only
made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than
met the eye…

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‘I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house,
I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that
you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

1 - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2 - Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3 - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4 - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5 - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6 - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7 - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8 - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9 - I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10 - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11 - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12 - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age

13 - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14 - The ocean is made up of water and fish.
Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15 - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. James, age 7

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**’Hello?’**

**’Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?’**

**’No, Daddy.**
**She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.’**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**’But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Dave.’**

**’Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..’**

Brief Pause.

**’Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’**

**’Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**’I did it, Daddy.’**

**’And what happened, honey?’ **

‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn’t moving at all!’**

**’Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Dave?’**

**’He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**’Swimming pool? ………..**

**Is this 486-5731?’*

**No, I think you have the wrong number………*

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’

He says, ‘Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.’

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ‘That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!’ As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

‘Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,’ he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, ‘That’ll be $34..50 please.’

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?’

He replies, ‘Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

A Newfoundlander is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several
Times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks,
‘Is your date running late?’
‘No,’ he replies, ‘I have this state-of-the-art watch.
I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says,
‘A state-of-the-art watch?
What’s so special about it?’
The Newfy explains,
‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’
‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies,
‘Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’
The Newfy smirks, taps his watch and says,
‘Bloody thing’s running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?