One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Alex.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this? ‘ The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’ Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?’

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack’s neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said: “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”

Jack’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Jack’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him First Communion and Confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, ‘WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says, ‘Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.’

The Priest said, ‘Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. ‘

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
‘Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.’

Sister Mary Katherine said,
‘Hard bed.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ the Priest said,
‘We will get you a better bed.’

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
‘You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.’

‘Cold food,’ said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
‘You may say two words today.’

‘I quit,’ said Sister Mary Katherine.

‘It’s probably best,’ said the Priest,
‘You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.’

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside Her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course my child. What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s Birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid They’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for Me? Under your robes perhaps?’

The priest answered: ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official Asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to Declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which Is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.’ NEXT