It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 am, on the first hole of a very nice course. I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker, ‘Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!’

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption

Again the announcement, ‘Would the man on the woman’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.’

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled, ‘Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee PLEASE!’

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back …..

‘Would the asshole with the microphone please be quiet and let me play my second shot.’

A husband and wife are on the 9 th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green
and stares at him.

“I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband.

“Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”

Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

“I don’t know, five, six, maybe seven times…..just put me down for a five.”

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two
trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?”

The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,’How does that feel’?

He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’