Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office…but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
‘I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you…
‘The girl looked at him, and then said, ‘NO!’

Eddie said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend… so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened…?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

‘The bastard had all quarters!’

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

“Oh my GOD!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

“I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a
serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he
doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and
his testicles could easily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman…

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: “Same illness, better health plan. “

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,

how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom

at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show

us your good manners?’

Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused

for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend

of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

The teacher fainted..

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica .

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, ‘What a peaceful & loving couple’

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: ‘Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,’ explained the man.

‘We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?’

She looked at ME, and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

And from that moment….. we have lived happily ever after.’

A father put his three
year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
“God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma
and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye
grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it
just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
“God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
“God bless Mommy
and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!