A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer.. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, ‘Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?’

The Newfie replied: ‘

Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?’

Ah, Newfies…..

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step .

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: “My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV”.

Other guy: “Wow, that’s amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!”

First guy: “Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

Sometime this year we taxpayers may receive an Economic Stimulus payment.

This is a very exciting new program, the explanation is via the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , China Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada )

************
I’m going to go to a ball game, with a tattooed prostitute, that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer.

A young, good-looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked
to speak to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she
and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then
asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy reluctantly agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me forit.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she
returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can
do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month
living expenses!