A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Halifax. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Digby to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk, good old boy, from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.
He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, ‘You might as well take me to jail, cause there’s no f*****` way I can pass that test.’

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The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a blonde lady’s boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde’s boobs.

Each time he calls for a beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts…AND SHE DECKS
HIM!!!.

He’s laying on the floor moaning and groaning, “Jeez…then why do you let the bartender do it?”

Get ready…here it comes……… . .

“Because,” says the blonde, “he has a licker license !”

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The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’ T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’ Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies …………Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said ‘Measure, do your stuff.’ Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said…. ‘Coffee Break…..do your stuff.’ Coffee Break jumped to his feet………..

Ate the cookies……..
Drank the milk………….
Sh*t on the paper………………..
Screwed the other three cats……..
Claimed he injured his back while doing so………………
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.
Put in for Workers Compensation……..and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………..!!!!!!!!!!

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Damn youtube deleted the video! Sorry.

Damn funny SNL skit!

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Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,’How does that feel’?

He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’

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