Dirty Golf Sayings
1. Nuts! My shaft is bent.

2. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. Look at the size of his putter.

5. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

6. Mind if I join your threesome?

7. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

8. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.

9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

10. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

Canadian, Bush, Genie and Taliban

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

“I will give each of you one wish. That’s three wishes total,” said the genie.

The Canadian said, “I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”

With a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W. Bush, said, “I’m very curious, please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it’s virtually impenetrable.”

George W. Bush says, “Fill it with water.”

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Why is santa so happy and jolly all the time?
- Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the
usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

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A blonde is having her hair cut in a salon, wearing her Ipod with her earphones in.

The stylist reaches the point where she needs to cut around the blonde’s ears - so she pulls the earphones out.

To her astonishment, the blonde collapses to the floor.

Puzzled, she bends down and puts one of the earphones to her ear - she hears a voice saying “Breathe in,,,,, Breathe out,,,,, Breathe in”

What do you call a clever blonde?
A Labrador!

A Blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and then says to the barmaid “hey, do you want to hear my really funny blonde joke?”

The barmaid says “it’s only fair to warn you, i’m blonde, the lady sitting next to you is blonde, the Landlady is blonde, and the two female bouncers are also blonde, and karate blackbelts - so are you sure you still want to tell this joke?”

The man says “No, not if i’m going to have to explain it 5 times”.

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the
other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl said.
“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy.

“No Honey, it’s because you’re 24″

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So I’m going to make fun of him.

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.” Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.” The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any!”

A little girl asks her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom says, “The dog is in heat, go ask daddy.”

Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, “Where is Susie?”
Little girl says, “Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home.”

How to tell if your dog has a problem

Ask yourself the following questions.

1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word “walk,” yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word “come”?
2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words “Don’t worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children”?
3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?
5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of “It’s time to go home,” yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?

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Stage 1: Single Life

Stage 2: Married Life

Stage 3: Divorced

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