A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (this is a term woodpeckers like to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed his belief in his ability that he could do it, so accepted the challenge.

After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. Why was the California woodpecker able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker able to peck the California tree but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering both came to the same conclusion. Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.

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If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!

They only want to see you naked.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday……………. I feel so stupid.

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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”

“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”

“Social Security sex?”

“Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,

“How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium, $14,000 for “large.”

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.

The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.’”

WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.”

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, “Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly.”

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“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal

“It it is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
- USAF Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mighter than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons” - General Douglas MacArthur

“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
— U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

“Tracers work both ways” — U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.” — Infantry Journal

“Any ship can be a minesweeper, Once.”

“You’ve never been truly lost until you’ve been lost at Mach-III.”
— Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

“Taking what ever action considered to be in the best interests of the safety of passangers, safety of the crew, safety of the vessel, and the protection of the marine environment is more important than radioing your plight to a person on shore incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”

— Unknown Marine Recruit

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” — USAF Ammo Troop

“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”

— At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan

“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter … and therefore, unsafe.”

“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”

“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”

“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?”
- If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
- If ATC screws up … the pilot dies.”

“Never trade luck for skill.”

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that ?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh Shit!”
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”

“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.” — Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
— Sign over Squadron Ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”

“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives and the rescue crew sees a bloodied pilot and asks him “What happened?”.
The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!”
— Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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Hiking

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river..”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.”

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

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