What’s Your Workplace Zodiac Sign?

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”…

ACCOUNTING: You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Manager.”

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

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Blonde Dyes to Brown

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?” The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, “Of course.” The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, “352.” This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.” The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?

The Blonde’s TV

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry,we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Blonde Breathalyzer Test

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”

“What’s a license???” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.

“It’s usually in your glove compartment.” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

“Yes.” replied the officer

“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher

“Uh… yes.” replied the cop.

“Here’s what you do.” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

“What!!? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs….. “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer……”

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Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb.

“No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!”

And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!”

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled…

See what you get for five bucks!?”

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Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About England

10. “Clocks are five hours fast”

9. “Everybody’s speaking some crazy foreign language”

8. “Harry Potter won’t return phone calls”

7. “So touchy about minor things…like going to war under false pretenses”

6. “They don’t know where Saddam is either”

5. “Queen Elizabeth not half as funny as ‘King of Queens’”

4. “Disappointed to learn ‘Big Ben’ is just a giant clock”

3. “Pack a gum costs 2 pounds — who carries two pounds of money?!”

2. “I’ve been here for 36 hours and Prince Charles hasn’t made a single move on me”

1. “Driving on the left reminds me of my drinking days”

George W. Bush Quotes

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
…George W. Bush

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
…George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”
…George W. Bush

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican”
…George W. Bush

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
…George W. Bush

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
…George W. Bush 9/22/97

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
…George W. Bush, 9/5/93

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
…George W. Bush, 9/18/95

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.”
…George W. Bush

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
…Governor George W. Bush

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
…George W. Bush

“[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
…George W. Bush

“Public speaking is very easy.”
…George W. Bush to reporters

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I have two videos for you today.

First video is a really bad driver enter a oil change shop.

Second is men that buy bad christmas gifts for their ladies. Don’t do it men!!

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