Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadie (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about pronunciation of the town’s name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?

The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said: “Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns”

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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.

She told the artist, “Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant.”

“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,” said Mrs. Johnson. “My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”*

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Damn no more excuses…

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A “Romantic Affair” In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom. After The Event Between Them Comes To A Conclusion.

The Man Says: “It Is Almost Time For Me To Depart, But Before I Depart I Must Ask You For A Favor.”

The Woman Says: “Sure Anything!”

So The Man Asks Her If He Could Mow Her Lawn, And Of Course The Woman Allows Him To Mow Her Lawn. After The Man Is Done Mowing Her Lawn

The Woman Says: “Thanks For Mowing My Lawn”

And The Man Replies With: “Believe Me Its My Pleasure”

So The Man Goes Home To His Wife Who Is Very Angry With Him For Leaving So Early In The Morning And Coming Back In The Afternoon.

His Wife Then Angrily Says: “Where Have You Been All This Time”

The Man Smiles And Says: “Honey, I Am Not Going To Lie To You, I Have Been Having An Affair With A Lovely Young Woman Just A Few Miles From Here”

The Woman Startled Looks At His Grass Stained Shoes And

She Says: “YOU SOB, YOU Were PLAYING GOLF WERE’NT YOU!!!”

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As I sat in traffic today staring at the bumpers in front of me I figured this would be a fitting post.

Top 10 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you…but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence…Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings,”

Everyone has a photographic memory …some just don’t have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.

If you can read this…I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

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The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honor his first-term achievements. In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are just spitting on the wrong side

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