With customer service like this I should drop my high speed, buy a modem and get AOL!!
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28
Jun
2006
22
Jun
2006
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
Jeff walked into a bar and saw his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walked over and asked him what was wrong.
“Well,” replied Paul. “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replied Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” said Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” said Jeff. “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continued Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.
“Sensible” said Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” said Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
“I kicked her in the face.”
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17
Jun
2006
“Little Nick been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he
came into the house and asked me, “Grandma, what is that called when 2
people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”"
“I was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s
called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Nick just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is
NOT called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Jimmy’s Mom
wants to talk to you”!!!!
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11
Jun
2006
In a coastal village in Eastern Canada, Wally, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Wally’s car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Wally tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, “Fer Chris sakes, Wally, that’s yer air freshener!”
If you ever have car trouble Call AAA
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06
Jun
2006
1. “I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.”
2. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”
3. “How about never? Is never good for you?”
4. “I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.”
5. “I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.”
6. “I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.”
7. “I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.”
8. “I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.”
9. “It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re
saying.”
10. “Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.”
11. “I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.”
12. “You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.”
13. “I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.”
14. “I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.”
15. “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”
16. “Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”
17. “The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”
18. “Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.”
19. “What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?”
20. “I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.”
21. “It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.”
22. “Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.”
23. “And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?”
24. “Do I look like a people person?”
25. “This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.”
26. “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.”
27. “Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”
28. “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
29. “Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.”
30. “Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”
31. “I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.”
32. “A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.”
33. “Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?”
34. “Too many freaks, not enough circuses.”
35. “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”
36. “Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.”
37. “How do I set a laser printer to stun?”
38. “I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.”
39. “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”
40. “Oh I get it… like humor… but different!”
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