It’s a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.” he says…. this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he’s doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, opens the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut, and yells:
“Now,YOU, tell HIM you have a headache!”

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a
larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in
the City, stands up and proclaims: “If the Preacher
stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every
year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!” The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.>

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and
investor, stands and say “If the Preacher will stay on
here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college
education of all his children!” More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a
smile, “If the preacher stays, I will give him sex,”

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: “Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?”
Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to
hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to side while his wife
replies:

“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said “Screw the Preacher.”

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don’t think she’s coming back.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping?  You have anything can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!