A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
“My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name,” he said. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men.”
“What’s your name?” she asked.
“Beertits,” he said
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Her Side of the Story:
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it may have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything about it. I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting funny. I was getting really worried; what did I do?
What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was really bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said ! no. But I wasn’t really sure.
So, anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arms around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant, because, you know, he didn’t say it back or anything.
We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! so I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then, after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love! But he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards, even though I wanted to comfort him, I didn’t. I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story
Played badly today - shot a 93 - can’t putt for crap!
Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in America.
The Personnel Manager said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.”
Mujibar said, “I am ready.”
The manager said, “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.”
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister manager, I am ready”
The manager said, “Go ahead.”
Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a
prostitute….”
“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club…. (takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and…
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” the puzzled dad asks.
Girl, crying and sniffing again, “A prostitute dad!” Sniff, sniff
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant’. Come here and give yer old man a hug!”
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1. You’re bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
And my personal favorite:
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
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