Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
“Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His wife is lying in bed and replies:
“I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”
The man says:
“I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”
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There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand!
This virus is call Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Send this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking…….. and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away…
Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooo, can you see Florida…?????”
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re watch dogs!”
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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware”
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.”
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Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods…
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you’ve tried this…)
On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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