Since halloween is coming up I figured I do a halloween themed post. So here are some scary costumes, people getting scared and some cool pumpkin carvings. Enjoy!
You will need powerpoint for this next one. Pumkin Carvings
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I have so many jokes to post and so little time.
Prescription
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
To kill my husband.”
I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the man is the pharmacist’s wife.
He takes the photo and nods. “I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”
Sneezing
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on a plane and the woman sneezes then right after the sneezes, she shudders,a couple of minutes later she sneezes again and then she shudders a little bit more,about a minute
later she sneezes again and then she shudders uncontrollably for about 10 seconds.
So the man that is sitting right beside her says “Excuse me ma’am, but I’m wondering why is it that everytime you sneeze, you shudder”
She replies “It’s a medical problem,every time I sneeze I have an orgasm”
So the man says “What are you taking for that?”
She answers “Pepper”
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It’s not difficult to make a woman happy
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer
3. Hand over the remote.
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..” he said with a deep sigh……………………
“Let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Nice Night
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
“You know, ” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ”
“No, ” she replies. . . . . . ”
Wait for it. .
It’s coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?
She says:
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
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1. I finished the Oreo’s.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y’know, to look at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Darned if you aren’t five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard
Simmons.
6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta
hurt.
7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
8. I’m so jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?
9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
10. Get your *own* ice cream.
11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.
12. Got milk?
13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?
14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…
16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!
17. Well, can’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!
18. You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…
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